This morning, however, my heart was heavy with worry. I have not been feeling well lately and have become consumed with fear that it is more than just a seasonal bug or a passing inconvenience. As the mother of an autistic child, my biggest fear is dying young and leaving him alone in this often cruel and harsh world that does not seem to be getting any better in terms of special needs care and acceptance. Paul and I both struggle with this issue, as all parents of autism do. It is rarely talked about, since the day to day issues can be so overwhelming...so we push this fear deep, deep down, where is will never come back again...or so we hope.
As a generally healthy person, I am not used to feeling prolonged periods of pain or discomfort. At the risk of over-sharing (which I'm pretty sure I blew by months ago on this blog), I have not taken anything stronger than an Advil in 15 years when I was on birth control for all of 6 months. I eat well, take tons of vitamins, exercise and manage my stress well. So, now as I creep closer and closer to 40, and my body no longer snaps back like it used to, I am finding my self worrying about my health like I never have in the past. Does every lump, bump, creek and crack mean I have cancer? And while I know these thoughts are ridiculous, having a special needs child seems to magnify my worry beyond rational bounds.
There is hope for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans He has for me.
I'll have to wait and see.
He's not finished with me yet.
So whether I have 5 years or 50 years left on this planet, I know God has plans for me and I know that I can not change those plans, nor do I want to. I trust that my life has been predestined and preordained to follow a unique and special path that is just for me and I am choosing to have a grateful and thankful attitude. I also know that Jackson can claim this promise to and I can rest easy knowing that his life is being guided by God and not dependent on me or my ability to take care of him.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.