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Friday, April 13, 2012

My Biggest Fear

Every Friday, Jackson asks to drive through a quiet little neighborhood near our house. So on the way home from our daily errands, I indulge this inexplicable whim of his, and turn into Sleepy Hollow Woods and slowly drive around the hilly streets that make a nice loop back to the main road.  It takes all of 5 minutes, but it gives him so much pleasure, that I never mind our weekly detour.

This morning, however, my heart was heavy with worry.  I have not been feeling well lately and have become consumed with fear that it is more than just a seasonal bug or a passing inconvenience.  As the mother of an autistic child, my biggest fear is dying young and leaving him alone in this often cruel and harsh world that does not seem to be getting any better in terms of special needs care and acceptance.  Paul and I both struggle with this issue, as all parents of autism do.  It is rarely talked about, since the day to day issues can be so overwhelming...so we push this fear deep, deep down, where is will never come back again...or so we hope.

As a generally healthy person, I am not used to feeling prolonged periods of pain or discomfort.  At the risk of over-sharing (which I'm pretty sure I blew by months ago on this blog), I have not taken anything stronger than an Advil in 15 years when I was on birth control for all of 6 months.  I eat well, take tons of vitamins, exercise and manage my stress well.  So, now as I creep closer and closer to 40, and my body no longer snaps back like it used to, I am finding my self worrying about my health like I never have in the past.  Does every lump, bump, creek and crack mean I have cancer? And while I know these thoughts are ridiculous, having a special needs child seems to magnify my worry beyond rational bounds.

So on our leisurely car ride this morning, as I was lamenting what I know are just the natural and normal ailments that come with getting older, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before and it was as if God was speaking directly to me.  I even pulled over to Shazam it so I could download it and look up the lyrics later.  It is called "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath. Here is the part of the song that provided me the exact encouragement I needed at the exact moment that I needed it:

There is hope for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans He has for me.
I'll have to wait and see.
He's not finished with me yet. 

So whether I have 5 years or 50 years left on this planet, I know God has plans for me and I know that I can not change those plans, nor do I want to.  I trust that my life has been predestined and preordained to follow a unique and special path that is just for me and I am choosing to have a grateful and thankful attitude.  I also know that Jackson can claim this promise to and I can rest easy knowing that his life is being guided by God and not dependent on me or my ability to take care of him.  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11



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5 comments:

  1. Hmm, interesting thoughts and comments but I had to reread this post at least once because it deals with the final truth for all of us in terms of our daily events - there are no guarantees for the next day. Enjoy what we have now and do the best we can to plan for the future. HOWEVER, I had to reread this again because you started it by saying "J" asked to DRIVE THROUGH SLEEPY HOLLOW - nice fellow, great kid but you are worried about the future and you are letting "J" drive!!!! :)

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    1. Ha!!! J driving is a bit scarey, but that kid knows his way around this town better than I do:) His biggest obstacle to driving right now would be that he waves to every person walking/running/biking as we drive by, so he might veer off the road while distracted by his "friends".

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  2. Interesting that you are sharing this. I favorited this post on Twitter awhile back but just remembered to come back & read it tonight. This is my biggest fear, AND I've been having some odd aches that I need to have checked. I need to work on getting much healthier, but I've never really had anything wrong other than migraines. Trusting - maybe not well, but trying to - that God knows what HE is doing with my life, my child's life, my family's life. Praying for you.

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    1. Thx for the encouragement! I have gotten a lot of great feedback on this post b/c it seems to have hit a never with many of us special needs mothers. There is such a double edged sword with caring for them at such an intense level, that we forsake our own health...yet it is more like a slow drip of neglect which sneaks up on us one day. Praying for you too!!!

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    2. Just signed up to start following your blog. Can't believe I didn't do that sooner. Mommy brain??? ;) Catch me on Twitter or at the blog & let me know if you're needing prayer on any particular day. Walking with you!!

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